treading water

I suppose I ought to fill in the blanks a bit, regarding the state of my relationship.  Shortly after permission to scream, I had a personal crisis in which my home was burglarized.  It was definitely a low point.  I was out with my kids, and it was late at night when the police contacted me to let me know that a lock box with some of my papers had been turned in.  I didn’t want to go home and expose my kids to who knows what kind of a scene, so decided to stop by his house and ask him to come stay.  He wasn’t home.  Nor did he return messages or calls.  His phone was off.  It was a sinking feeling, really.  The one time that I really needed him, and he wasn’t there for me.  He had told me that he would always be there for me, no matter what.  I had the police meet me at my home, and they made sure everything was fine before I went in with my kids.  The next day, I went about my business, making arrangements to install a new door and lock, placing freezes on my credit with the big three bureaus, calling my insurance office, etc.  He called mid-morning, and I told him what had happened.  He insisted on coming over and helping with the door.  He pretty much bull-dozed back into my life at that point.

I was weary, and we just started talking.  I let my defenses, my walls down.  I asked him about what he’s been doing, who he’s been seeing, etc.  We talked and talked.  He acknowledged that he could see why I broke off our relationship, and that his behavior was the root of it.  I felt like we were actually communicating, and told him that I never stopped loving him, but I just couldn’t be with him.  He said he understood, and that he’d never hurt me again.  He asked me to let him back in.  I was torn.  So exhausted.  So hungry for physical companionship.  So not wanting to try to have a relationship with anybody new.  I let go of my reservations and told him we would have to tread softly, so that we could keep communicating.  We had a blissful week, like a honeymoon, really.  It was lovely.  I had what I thought was an epiphany, that love was a choice.  I wanted to store that thought away and explore it when I had some time.  I wanted to keep that choice alive, keep that fire burning.  But it only lasted a week or so.

Bit by bit, our personalities re-emerged.  It’s very hard to overcome Pavlovian responses.  We speak different languages.  Our words, thoughts, intents are lost in translation.  Once again, I find myself suppressing myself more and more.  We are together, but it is strained.  Once again, it feels as though he wants more of me or from me than I have to give.  He doesn’t feel respected or honored, and neither do I.

He says I hurt him, and I don’t know how that can be.  He hurts me, and he doesn’t see it.  We seem to make each other crazy.  He says that nobody has ever made him as crazy as I do.  Certainly, nobody has ever made me as crazy as he does.  So crazy I could scream crazy.

So we are hobbling along.  If I call it off, he says he will disappear forever and I will never see him again.  That’s not what I want.  If we simply can’t fit as a relationship, I still want a friendship.  Right now, we hardly even have a friendship.  But I don’t want him to disappear.  I know for certain that I don’t want another relationship.  What I want is to find myself.  I’m so locked up that I don’t know who I am anymore.  I can hear her screaming, far away, sobbing, somewhere in my head, let me out, I’m here, I need to be free.  I want to find her.  I want to get to know her.  I want to be her.

Can I do that, and preserve a relationship?  I don’t know.  I’m taking steps.  I’m making life changes for my health.  One step at a time.  One foot in front of the other.  I don’t know what else to do right now.